How to Know if Your Crush is Trustworthy
One of the greatest sources of agony in the dating realm is knowing if we are attracted to someone for the right reasons — or if we are just setting ourselves up for a major disappointment.
Can you relate? Have you ever dated someone bad for you, but for some reason you just weren’t able to acknowledge the glaring red flags until they were in hindsight?
Attraction can be such a seemingly unconscious and emotional thing that at times, logic can go completely out the window. It can cause us to live in denial of what’s actually going on. In fact, sometimes we can even delude ourselves into fabricating fictitious stories to fit with what our emotions want — to prevent ourselves from thinking we’re out of control. Needless to say, it can be extremely tricky to get this right.
Asking why you like someone can be similar to asking why a certain song or a certain flavor of ice cream is your favorite: You probably don’t really think too much about it, you just accept that some part of you likes it. This is all fine and good, until it isn’t.
Unlike songs and ice cream, which will never pack up and leave in the middle of the night, having a crush on the wrong type of partner can leave us feeling betrayed, heartbroken, emotionally distraught, and stuck picking up the pieces alone. After doing this a few times consecutively, it’s not that unnatural to begin expecting that this is the only possible outcome for us — which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. As you can see, it’s a dangerous road to go down.
Luckily, there is another way. It involves a commitment to developing two major attributes:
Clarity and intuition.
Gaining clarity around which values you are looking for in an ideal partner is something that might seem unquestionably helpful, but also something that not nearly enough of us actually take the time to do.
Think about potential qualities that your ideal partner might have physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Also think about the qualities they could have that would not be compatible for you. The more honest you can be with yourself, the more effective this exercise becomes. Can you separate the “must haves” from the “nice to haves?”
Try to be as comprehensive as possible, so that you can recognize red flags well in advance. This will give you a much greater ability to see the person objectively for who they are before you become too emotionally attached — at which point you may subconsciously try to overlook any potential dysfunction. If love can be blind, then it’s wise to become sharp at recognizing and dealing with incompatibilities as early on as we can.
After you find clarity on what you’re looking for, it’s important to stick to the script and look for signs that the person you’re interested in actually has them (or does not). When it comes to identifying the vibe and values of a person you’re just getting to know, intuition plays an extremely large role — so be sure to pay very close attention to what your intuition is telling you.
Beyond the communication that happens on the surface level, your subconscious mind is constantly picking up signals to alert you of things that may seem inauthentic or out of alignment in some way. Intuition can be something very unique to each individual, but it is of the essence to begin exploring what yours is saying to you. It’s about the process of becoming aware of the different feelings in your gut that tell you whether someone is safe, comfortable, natural, and a good choice for you — or the complete opposite.
To begin uncovering what a potential partner’s character is like, pay close attention to their actions, from the biggest down to the very smallest ones. Martha Beck once had an extremely insightful quote that applies here: “The way we do anything is the way we do everything.”
This is why it’s important to note the small details. Is your date rude to the doorman or to other service people you interact with? How do they treat children and animals — do they have respect for those that seemingly have less power than they do? Do they show humility by doing things such as cleaning up after themselves, or do they expect to be treated like they are better than everyone else?
Everything we do, even the smallest of actions, act as a microcosm that can give insights into our mindset, character, and how we choose to operate and treat others in the world. If someone shows a lack of empathy for others, it’s likely only a matter of time before they turn this onto you as well.
Pay close attention to how sincere your date seems. Do they smile with their eyes? Does it seem like they’re hiding something? How open and vulnerable are they willing to be? What does their non-verbal body language tell you?
You wouldn’t hire an undisciplined personal trainer, and you wouldn’t hire an accountant who doesn’t pay attention to detail — it’s equally important to remember to proceed with caution when you find yourself attracted to someone who you sense has some major character-based incompatibilities with you.
Are you drawn to this individual for the right reasons, or are you allowing shallow qualities to be the top priority and overlooking their character? You can still choose to do this, of course — it’s your life — but don’t be surprised if it backfires in a destructive manner.
Begin the practice of getting to know your intuition well. Learn to note the differences between when it sends you a positive signal (to proceed onward), and when it sends you a negative signal (to back away). The intuitive signals may feel different for every person.
For example, when you are around someone who is not a good fit for you, you may energetically feel a sensation similar to that of breathing in toxic fumes, and some part of you will make you feel a sense that you should pull away. On the other hand, when you are around someone who is a good fit for you, you may feel a sense that you are heading down a street with only green lights in view for as far as you can see; as if being called to begin a joyride.
When your intuition tells you that another person seems safe, caring, loyal, has your best interests at heart, and as if they would never do you any harm, be sure to take notice.
Think about specific actions a person could take to demonstrate each value or quality that is important to you (or the opposite of that), and keep this in mind when spending time with others. When in doubt, allow your intuition to guide you along the way.